Maybe it’s just me that feels this way, but hopefully at least one of you can relate…
I’ve always denied, out loud, the fact that I need and/or want to lose weight. Yes, in my head, I’ve pictured myself 10, 20 pounds lighter, told myself I need to get my butt in gear, and thought I’d be happier without this “spare tire.” But if you were to ask me if I was trying to lose weight, I’d probably deny it and pretend that I’m comfortable with how I look.
And I’m learning that maybe that is EXACTLY what is holding me back.
Sure, I’ve blogged about how I’ve wanted to lose weight, written it down. But whenever someone’s asked me, I either just shrug or completely deny the fact that I’m trying to change my body. I’m not totally sure why, to be honest; there’s nothing wrong with trying to look and feel your best. So why did I feel shame in admitting that I wasn’t happy with where I was? Even today, as I’m writing this, I’m still not sure.
However, thanks again to my health coaches, I have FINALLY said, for the first time out loud, that I am not happy with where I am, and I still see myself as “the fat girl,” whether or not it’s true. (Disclaimer: I know way deep down inside me that it’s not true, but for some reason, the negative voices are much louder). For example: I finally used some of my tax return money to buy new clothes for summer, which I haven’t done in months. I spent a good chunk of change, got my box a week later, and NOTHING FIT. I ordered everything about 2 sizes larger than what I needed. I had to return every item. As frustrating as this experience was, it really showed me how distorted my vision of myself is.
I need a healthy dose of radical self acceptance and honesty.
How am I doing this? By letting go.
Letting go of unnecessary dietary restrictions, and finally trying to trust myself to make good choices outside of a strict set of “rules.” Letting go of the obsession I have with counting carbs and calories, and enjoying a banana or mango outside on a spring day. Letting go of the decree that I have to exercise daily, and allowing myself to exercise how I choose, if I wish. Letting go of the stress I’m constantly putting myself under.
It’s not easy. My god, it is not easy – especially when you have been holding yourself to these guidelines for YEARS, never trusting yourself to deviate from your own rules. I’m trying to listen to my body even more, and trust that if I listen, I will look and feel better than I ever have before, and find the true peace I’ve been searching for.
I am OWNING the fact that I have these problems, and that there are things I want to change about my body and my life and the way I think.